Take me or Leave me

It’s so hard to breath when you feel the weight of the world

On your shoulders with all the regrets, demons in two huge boulders

Weighing you down with every fucking step you take,

Actually believing that life’s what you make.

So you frown, like a clown you keep putting yourself down.

Surrounded in self pity when no ones around.

You search for friends, anyone who can save you.

Screamin’ in the street for anyone to just listen to you.

But you fail, ‘cause no one can hear you anyway.

You recognize the pain, but not ways to change it all today.

You run around screaming of heartbreak and sadness

And nothing truly makes you forget all the madness

That of course, you brought upon yourself.

How many times did they tell you to shut the fuck up?

You know your worth, but your head makes all the shit fly

“It’s all in your head” you tell yourself as you cry.

But your cries turn into screams and your screams get louder

And suddenly the pain begins to take over and throb

Sooner or later the screams turn to sobs.

Finally you wake up again from the inevitable nightmare

But everything you thought you knew just wasn’t there.

Now someone once told me I can stand wherever the fuck my two feet wanted,

The only thing I’d have to do is put my damn weight on it

And somewhere between the denial and self pity, I found

I am not the only one is this fucking town

So I breath for myself, no one else, despite

What I have been told my whole fucking life.

So I grip the past right before letting it go

If you don’t want me, I don’t need you and that I told ME so.

I guess I’ve always known that when push came to shove

I really am a little impossible to love.

I’d always be second best, I’d never be on top.

And with that, I think its about time this rhyme came to a STOP.

I know how overwhelming I can be sometimes. I have been told this all my life. So why is it that I refuse to learn? I guess to learn, I have to apologize for all the things I have done wrong.  I am sorry for telling you how I am feeling, especially when you are so far away, physically and emotionally.  It was so silly and juvenile to believe that after a couple of days of falling head over heels for you, that it would be enough to keep a bond between us. I do not think that bond even exists. I have been told so many times that if a man wants you, nothing will keep him away. If he does not, nothing can make him stay. How much more truth can be found in that statement than the facts being thrown in my face every day? I do not know if apologizing will do anything. I am sure what you would tell me is that there is nothing to be sorry about. But, shouldn’t I be sorry for leaving? Shouldn’t I be sorry for waiting so long to get to know you? Even if it is impractical, I am sorry for all of it. The only thing I am not sorry about is the memories we did get to make, the memories I will forever hold on to as the highlight of my trip. Leaving may have been a mistake, but if it has taught me anything, it is that sometimes hope isn’t enough. I had hoped I would make it in Australia and I didn’t. I had hoped coming home would be better for me, but it has pulled me so far away from my best friend. I had hoped that we would keep in touch, and the purpose of my letter is obviously, because that hope was not enough. How I know I am wrong for hoping this would work out is that I literally have to fight myself everyday not remind you how much I miss you. If you felt the same, I am sure it would be obvious. If I could do anything to change how this is all ended up, it would be the first conversation we had. I would sit there with you forever, talking about Mac Miller. I would let you give me more goon and I would let you charm me like you would eventually do. I would not have fought it so hard until your eyes made me weak. I have tried to put this all in the back of my mind and concentrate on making my life right now tolerable, but it is just impossible. This is my reasoning. This is why I write this letter I will probably never send you. Then again, how can you let go of something that was never really yours anyway? How can you miss something you never really had? I will never know the answers to any of this and that is something I will have to live with. I just do not want to hurt you and I do not want to be hurt myself. I do not want to hold onto the hopes that when you got home, things would be as they were. Because, by the looks of things, they probably never will. I must have gotten my feelings confused and I apologize for putting that stress on you. I have to just let go of it all and move forward. If one day you prove me wrong, I wouldn’t screw it up again, but I just can’t walk around pretending that’s possible right now. Thank you for all the amazing memories and for making me the most happy I have been in a very long time. Even though you will probably never see this, never forget how much I appreciate you.

What do you do when you finally realize your world is falling apart?

Nothing can stop it, nothing can save it, nothing but your heart.

If you give it you’re all you may just succeed,

But there is always the risk that your heart will bleed.

My head knows it’s over, but my heart won’t let go.

I think of you always while I contemplate alone.

Was what we had real? Would it ever really work?

I think I may want you with all of your quirks.

The way you’d laugh at me for being so dumb

And the kisses you gave that left all of me numb.

I don’t know where to go, I can’t figure out what’s right

And all of these things keep me up all night.

Was leaving a mistake? I will never really know.

I will always remember you fondly though.

And even with all these crazy thoughts in my head

The most comforting place is alone in my bed.

The ghost of you lying right next to me will not leave

I guess that maybe I am just incredibly naive.

I’ve always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve

But I’m hoping you’ll come home and change that for me.

So until the day we meet again

I know we will have to remain just friends.

But I pray that you feel the same way

And finally come to me with no delay.